So, if you’ve read my blog, you would know that I do talk rather heavily on mental health (or I at least have some,
maybe many, unfinished drafts that may pertain to mental health. I am trying to blog once a week, but with everything going on in my brain, it’s overwhelming to try and blog when all my brain wants to do is lay down and watch YouTube all day). This is a topic that I relate to rather closely, out of personal experiences with my own or with my friends, but also out of philosophy. Today, however, I want to talk about a personal experience of mine and maybe you all can relate and keep going.
(This post does contain mentions of suicide, depression, and other dark topics. Please do not read this if you are prone to feeling these pains)
So, a couple weeks ago I had called the suicide hotline shortly after I had waken up, skipping my second day of work at my new job. The lady who I spoke too had directed me to a therapy/counseling center in the other side of town that offered emergency services, free of charge (and finances were one of the reasons why I have never sought help before, and is a big reason why I was feeling suicidal, among other things). Of course, I made a visit to the therapy center later that day, and it really helped me. Temporarily, but it still instilled hope into my mind and the therapist convinced me to work to keep my job; which I’m grateful for even though I am not satisfied doing it. This is where I have been ans what I have been doing for the past couple weeks.
I’m not fully done with this post, but I wanted to start off with that part because if you ever feel suicidal or depressed or anything, seek help. It is cliché saying it, I understand, everyone says it; but you can not fight this alone, you can not live off of your own strength. As humans, an animal species highly dependent of one another, you need the help of others to survive. So, please seek help, in whatever form it comes to you, because that added strength will at least get you through the week.
Kind of elaborating more on my own experiences, I’m still feeling suicidal as I write this now; three weeks after I begun writing this for the first time. As I mentioned above, finances and career are probably my number one reason why I feel like this, but a close second is guilt. These factors have actually led me to swallowing pills twice in suicide attempts; and why I can’t look at a bottle of pills right now without trying to calculate how many I need to take to hurt myself.
I am currently in a household of 5 people, me and my dad are the only ones working, and we both only get paid $9 something an hour at our job; and he has been supporting me for the past decade or so on this wage. It hasn’t always been enough; I’ve been left without a home, without being able to shower, and often times we haven’t had the money to eat, like currently. All I’ve wanted in terms of finances is to have enough where I, and my dad if he chooses to tag along, don’t have to struggle like this and I have enough money to help out charities and do charity work. There is absolutely no way I’m doing this making my current wage, and with my mental health issues, I can barely hold this job as it is; which makes financial success a bleak future. After all, if I can’t work and make money, how am I going to make money? And why should I make money if I don’t work for it?
I think, if I can last long enough at my job to start CNA classes, then I have a chance because the work is more meaningful and the pay is better, and the work is more meaningful; as long as my mental health issues don’t disable me to the point where I can not do anything, but I doubt it. Even with CNA pay and work, the chances of me being able to handle the stress is slim, and a low-stress work environment is the only kind of work environment I would be able to succeed in due to my issues; which is why I want to write as a career. The only issue with this is, I have a hard time motivating myself to write in a way, in a routine, that is good enough to make money off of it. As I mentioned before, I’ve been working on this one blog post, for three weeks, and I need to be able to write something every week if I want to make money off it. So I feel hopeless to sum up my financial issues.
The second reason why I have been dealing with these suicidal thoughts, is guilt. I’ve been feeling guilty. I’m a religious person myself, I feel that faith, prayer, and meditation have helped me tremendously throughout my life, but I have done things, thought things, and been things that are wrong in my faith. I have created discord, I have fought with people, I have had heated political debates, I hate certain groups of people from time to time (like nazis, and people who hate immigrants, legal or illegal), I have lied, I have deliberately called myself an enemy of God because there were, and are, times where am skeptical, I have lacked continency, I have lusted, I have been angry, and I am suicidal; all things, direct and indirect, that the bible says makes me ineligible for heaven even if they are of just cause like I believe them to be. I like to think I’m a relatively good person, but my good traits are worthless compared to my bad traits, I’m worthless in the eyes of God even with His love, and I am so afraid of God and Him judging me as being a wicked person, that I want to kill myself so I can stop further corruption. I feel like that I’m wicked in God’s eyes, I’m not as relatively good as I think I am, and therefore I should be dead, and the world is better off with me dead.
I do not know if I am a wicked person or not, or if I ever will find my way out of poverty or not, all I know is that I’m genuinely trying my best and I genuinely care about other life and I want to do my best to reduce world suck as much as I can. I’m just afraid my best is not enough.