So, if you’ve read my blog, you would know that I do talk rather heavily on mental health (or I at least have some, maybe many, unfinished drafts that may pertain to mental health. I am trying to blog once a week, but with everything going on in my brain, it’s overwhelming to try and blog when all my brain wants to do is lay down and watch YouTube all day). This is a topic that I relate to rather closely, out of personal experiences with my own or with my friends, but also out of philosophy. Today, however, I want to talk about a personal experience of mine and maybe you all can relate and keep going.

(This post does contain mentions of suicide, depression, and other dark topics. Please do not read this if you are prone to feeling these pains)

So, a couple weeks ago I had called the suicide hotline shortly after I had waken up, skipping my second day of work at my new job. The lady who I spoke too had directed me to a therapy/counseling center in the other side of town that offered emergency services, free of charge (and finances were one of the reasons why I have never sought help before, and is a big reason why I was feeling suicidal, among other things). Of course, I made a visit to the therapy center later that day, and it really helped me. Temporarily, but it still instilled hope into my mind and the therapist convinced me to work to keep my job; which I’m grateful for even though I am not satisfied doing it. This is where I have been ans what I have been doing for the past couple weeks.

I’m not fully done with this post, but I wanted to start off with that part because if you ever feel suicidal or depressed or anything, seek help. It is clichรฉ saying it, I understand, everyone says it; but you can not fight this alone, you can not live off of your own strength. As humans, an animal species highly dependent of one another, you need the help of others to survive. So, please seek help, in whatever form it comes to you, because that added strength will at least get you through the week.

Kind of elaborating more on my own experiences, I’m still feeling suicidal as I write this now; three weeks after I begun writing this for the first time. As I mentioned above, finances and career are probably my number one reason why I feel like this, but a close second is guilt. These factors have actually led me to swallowing pills twice in suicide attempts; and why I can’t look at a bottle of pills right now without trying to calculate how many I need to take to hurt myself.

I am currently in a household of 5 people, me and my dad are the only ones working, and we both only get paid $9 something an hour at our job; and he has been supporting me for the past decade or so on this wage. It hasn’t always been enough; I’ve been left without a home, without being able to shower, and often times we haven’t had the money to eat, like currently. All I’ve wanted in terms of finances is to have enough where I, and my dad if he chooses to tag along, don’t have to struggle like this and I have enough money to help out charities and do charity work. There is absolutely no way I’m doing this making my current wage, and with my mental health issues, I can barely hold this job as it is; which makes financial success a bleak future. After all, if I can’t work and make money, how am I going to make money? And why should I make money if I don’t work for it?

I think, if I can last long enough at my job to start CNA classes, then I have a chance because the work is more meaningful and the pay is better, and the work is more meaningful; as long as my mental health issues don’t disable me to the point where I can not do anything, but I doubt it. Even with CNA pay and work, the chances of me being able to handle the stress is slim, and a low-stress work environment is the only kind of work environment I would be able to succeed in due to my issues; which is why I want to write as a career. The only issue with this is, I have a hard time motivating myself to write in a way, in a routine, that is good enough to make money off of it. As I mentioned before, I’ve been working on this one blog post, for three weeks, and I need to be able to write something every week if I want to make money off it. So I feel hopeless to sum up my financial issues.

The second reason why I have been dealing with these suicidal thoughts, is guilt. I’ve been feeling guilty. I’m a religious person myself, I feel that faith, prayer, and meditation have helped me tremendously throughout my life, but I have done things, thought things, and been things that are wrong in my faith. I have created discord, I have fought with people, I have had heated political debates, I hate certain groups of people from time to time (like nazis, and people who hate immigrants, legal or illegal), I have lied, I have deliberately called myself an enemy of God because there were, and are, times where am skeptical, I have lacked continency, I have lusted, I have been angry, and I am suicidal; all things, direct and indirect, that the bible says makes me ineligible for heaven even if they are of just cause like I believe them to be. I like to think I’m a relatively good person, but my good traits are worthless compared to my bad traits, I’m worthless in the eyes of God even with His love, and I am so afraid of God and Him judging me as being a wicked person, that I want to kill myself so I can stop further corruption. I feel like that I’m wicked in God’s eyes, I’m not as relatively good as I think I am, and therefore I should be dead, and the world is better off with me dead.

I do not know if I am a wicked person or not, or if I ever will find my way out of poverty or not, all I know is that I’m genuinely trying my best and I genuinely care about other life and I want to do my best to reduce world suck as much as I can. I’m just afraid my best is not enough.

11 thoughts on “Mental Health Talk

  1. I just read the post now. First thing my friend let’s deep breath. This post is really heavy, but I know it is real and honest. I know real people in my life that dealt with this one, and sadly they don’t have the access to therapy like that one you attended. I would like to encourage you to continue working and attending the therapy. Once you got your health insurance kicked in see a psychiatrist and get yourself evaluated. There are some medications that can help you focus and deal with stress. Secondly, continue with your CNA class, it is worth it. When you think you can deal with CNA stuff and you think you can forward to nursing, GO FOR IT. It’s good for your growth, self worth and of course financially. What state do you live? Living in a $9/hour job is not easy. In South Florida i think the CNAs are $13 to $15 for starting basic pay. Does not include the night differential which is usually $3 to $5 additional more per hour. It is not true that this world is better off without you. Our God is a loving and forgiving God. The thing that you feel guilt is a sign to you are 100% better person than some people out there. Some people don’t even feel guilt. Give me a favor, in case you have an urge again to kill yourself call again the HOTLINE!! You have a bright future ahead of you, trust me. ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚ Can I reblog your content? Thank you so much!

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    1. I have more replies to write eventually, but I want to go ahead and answer the questions you asked since I have the energy to do so. Yeah, you can reblog my content ๐Ÿ˜Š I live in Kentucky, where I believe CNAs make $10 an hour, and as far I’m aware of, a very little amount of jobs here in KY offer an increased wage for nighttime work. It’s not something socially accepted here, because it is seen as a “selfish attempt to lazily make more money” with “less work” (the human world. A third reason for my suicidal thoughts; no one seems to genuinely want to help other people anymore, and it’s become all about making THEMSELVES money and seeing their OWN opinions become law. Hence the reason Trump is president, he is the perfect representation of, at least, the people who live in KY). Again, I’ll try to reply to more of your comments within the next couple of days! โค

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      1. As a night shift worker, I think the reason why we have night differential is because no one can really buy a good night of sleep. And as a night shift, we definitely don’t enjoy that good night sleep anymore. ๐Ÿ™‚ Thanks for letting me reblog your post. ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚ Don’t worry about responding to my comments. You can respond anytime you want. I wish the cost living in Kentucky is not that much.

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      2. I think that’s why most night shift workers receive night differentials, and it’s totally reasonable and I wouldn’t mind seeing it become a labor law either tbh. With Kentucky, Kentucky is the third poorest state in the US, and the Kentuckian culture as established by the older generations with the money, values hard and long labor with little pay because “it is not about you, it’s about you do for other people” so most jobs around here keep wages low, with little to no bonuses or anything, because asking for more money for longer hours or night shifts seems to be seen as lazy and selfish. Unfortunately.
        No, thank you for sharing that post; it made me feel much better once someone actually took the time to read it and share it with more people. Sometimes, just talking about things and having someone listen to it is all a person needs to have hope again โ˜€๏ธ
        Yeah, I wish so too. Once I save enough money, I’m moving away from Kentucky, and the south in general tbh; I want to live in Oregon, even though it’s costly to live there too, there are more opportunities.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Wow learning the culture about your state is something… I never heard of it. But it makes me more understand the situation there. I respect the culture, but I believe there’s nothing wrong of getting what you deserve especially when your working hard. But anyway, yes maybe moving out in the future is a good idea. It may be better too for your mental health right?

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  2. I hope I’ll be able to handle CNA work; I know the current nursing home I am working at usually only has 5 or 6 CNAs on the floor, 2 on one hall and the rest on the other. Apparently, due to being short staffed with many call ins, being a CNA here is rough lol. Also, I promise to call the hotline again if those thoughts come back; and since I got a letter from Humana the other day, I assume my insurance has kicked in and I will go see a psychiatrist as soon as I can. I’ve been needing medicine for a while now lol. Thank you for all of your support Mrs. Blah, it means a lot to me โค

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